Ep 898: The Travel Guy - Hotel Fees
I'm Paul Scheer, an Expert Traveler, and in this edition of the TRAVEL GUY, I'm here to demystify those pesky Hotel fees and explain exactly what they mean.
Hidden Fees! Who needs them? Apparently, Hotels! But many of us don’t know what they mean… So let’s break it down.
Room Rate - Nightly Room Charge
Sales Tax - Thanks Obama!
Occupancy Fee—Uh duh, you are in the room; hence, you are occupying it, which isn’t free.
Tourism Tariff—Everyone hates a tourist, which is you. So this is just a fee for being yourself.
Booking Charge -Pays our webpage's electricity bill so you can book online 24x7.
Resort Fee: FREE TV*, Use of our Lobby Wi-Fi, and two Daily trips to our Beautiful Glass Water Cooler with Lemon Rinds. (* not included in Free TV - that is just for use of the actual TV)
Basic Cable Tribute - Access to Premium Basic Cable and over 700 Music Channels on flat grey screens.
Button Tariff - For Elevator Button Polishing (due to excessive hitting).
Window Charge -Whether a brick wall, Highway, or National landmark is a “view,” you have to pay for it.
Foot Traffic Assessments - Helps us with prevententive maintence that your shoes and luggage do in all of carpeted areas.
Hanger Fee Flat Tax- Your room our Hangers.
Gym Fee - You don’t get into DisneyWorld for free, this is no different.
Fat Tax - Fee for not Using the Gym.
Museum Rental Fee - Pays for the art diplayed in your room.
Water Usage Capitations - Millions of gallons go to waste, and you are responsible for at least 20-30 of them during your stay. Don’t complain, it’s for the environment.
Fabric Surcharge - Cloth Repair due to your sweaty body causing micro-abrasions on the thread count of our fine sheets.
HVAC Toll: We know you kept the A/C on while you were gone. What do you think? We work for the electric company.
Belinda’s Birthday Fund - She’s been working here for awhile and we wanna get her something nice. So thank you.
Pool Levy - Your fee goes to designing and building a kick-ass pool.
Pervert Proportional Tax - Sex, Porn, Jacking it, Having Weird Dreams, or even walking around naked for too long; we know you are up to something in that room, and this keeps it between us.
I hope this helps the next time you check out and think, “Hmm, what’s this fee?”
TRAVEL SMARTLY
- PAUL
My NYT best-selling book, Joyful Recollections of Trauma, is available wherever you buy books, E-books, and Audiobooks. Grab a copy, and if you have, THANK YOU. Keep spreading the word through GoodReads and Amazon reviews and telling your friends.
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