People have been saying 'God only knows' about life's mysteries since the dawn of time. Well, I do know, and it turns out most of your problems aren't nearly as mysterious as you think. Welcome to my advice column, where omniscience meets common sense.
First off, what a week,
“God only knows where I put my keys. I'm going to be late for work.” — Stephanie in Long Island City
Dear Stephanie,
They're in yesterday's jeans pocket. You know, the ones you threw on the chair because you were "too tired" to hang them up properly.
I gave you dominion over all the earth (Genesis 1:28), but apparently that doesn't extend to keeping track of small metal objects. I suggest a key hook or a small bowl by the door. Works for me…Just kidding, I can get into any house at anytime.
Omnisciently yours, God
“God only knows how much longer this will take.”
— Dennis in Pasadena
Dear Dennis,
12 more minutes. The woman ahead of you has 14 items instead of 10 (naughty, naughty), needs a price check on lentils, and will spend 2 minutes looking for a rewards card; she won't find it (She left it in another purse). While I wish I could make multiple loaves for you, I’m slammed, so you will have to wait. But take solace in the fact that this person will pay for disregarding the 10-item limit. I’ve said too much.
Just breathe, God
God only knows why my son insists on wearing those pajama bottoms to school. - Sheila in Austin
Dear Sheila,
You're facing a classic battle of wills, much like Pharaoh refusing to let my people go (Exodus 7-12). Except instead of plagues, you get a constant headache from a fight you won’t win. Let comfort win.
Plus, his teacher has seen worse. Trust me on this one, I see everything.
Rebelliously Yours, The Big Man
Just a quick life update, last week’s BBQ was great fun. Babe Ruth and John Lennon were cracking us up.
God only knows what I was thinking when I told my wife her new haircut looked "interesting." -Derek in Detroit.
Dear Derek,
I know what you were thinking: NOTHING.
"Interesting" is what you call your nephew’s art or a dish someone brings to a potluck, not your beloved's appearance. Even I, in all my infinite wisdom, stick with "You are fearfully and wonderfully made" (Psalm 139:14) rather than offering aesthetic critiques. Also your wife is cheating on you.
- Compassionately yours, God
God only knows why my WiFi always cuts out during important Zoom calls. - Grace in Denver
Dear Grace,
Your router is 6 years old and sitting next to your microwave. Mystery solved and that's not the only thing shutting down. Head to the doctor this week.
Technologically omniscient, G
Remember, while I work in mysterious ways, but most of your problems really aren't that mysterious. Put your 'God only knows...' questions in the chat. Response time varies depending on prayer queue volume.
About the Author: God has been providing guidance and comfort to humanity since the beginning of time. When not managing the universe, He enjoys sunset creation, miracle orchestration, and watching Bravo unedited in Heaven as it happens.
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God only knows what I’d be without you - The Beach Boys (be yourself, because everyone else is taken - God, probably)
I feel Dennis’ pain. 😂