Government Shutdown Transforms 45-Minute Layover Into 5-Hour Personal Growth Opportunity

Nov 04, 2025

Congratulations! The government shutdown has turned your brisk 45-minute layover into a luxurious 5-hour exploration of Terminal C. In these fast-paced times, isn’t it wonderful to be able to savor the moment, smell the roses (aka that intoxicating mix of Sbarro’s, Wetzel’s Pretzels, and some unisex perfume) at gate 12B?

This is a gift. A gift of time that you can use to transform yourself.

Let me show you how…

Modern Yachtsman and You

You’ve been meaning to catch up on your yacht journalism for months. Head over to the closest magazine kiosk and look towards the far left corner. Now, move some of the more popular magazines to the side, and behold, the November issue of Modern Yachtsman. Immerse yourself in articles like “12 Helipads for 2025 that say Hella Yes!” and take your mind off your sister’s rehearsal dinner, which you are definitely missing as you read about “Teak vs. Mahogany,” a debate that’s apparently dividing the yachtsmen on the Italian coastline. Which do you think signifies laid back luxury? Sssh don’t tell me, let it be your secret.

Conduct a Sandwich Taste Test

No matter the airport or terminal you are in, they are all known for their specialty, Turkey Sandwiches, and you’re finally going to get to the bottom of which one truly is the best.

Will it be the Grab-n-Go self-serve station with their “Classic Turkey Club” priced to move at $16.99 (what a bargain), or will it be Guy Fieri’s Smoking Turkey Club, which looks like its sauce was accidentally spilled on bread in an attempt to cover up the taste of the actual meat? Be warned, if you choose the celebrity route, you will pay for it. That Donkey sauce doesn’t just grow in vats; it’s made and priced as such at $18.50. Finally, there’s the Hudson News “Southwest Turkey Wrap,” the cheapest of the bunch, coming in at $12.50, which contains neither turkey from the Southwest nor any clear indication of what makes it “Southwest” aside from a single tired jalapeño slice on the top of the bun that looks like it’s trying to escape it’s breaded death sentence.

Who’s the winner? You! Because none of them gave you food poisoning (yet), but if it’s not that, it will definitely be your sister’s Macro Biotic rehearsal dinner.

Become a P.I.

Select one random passenger and tail them through the entire terminal. This is your moment to live out your inner Columbo or, more modernly, Charlie Cale (from Peacock’s Poker Face, which you’ve seen more ads for in the last two hours because the terminal is completely Peacock-branded, maybe you should get that subscription after all; you do love Bravo).

When attempting your PI work, try to picture the person you are following as someone who has wronged you. Use sense memory to find an embarrassing moment that occasionally riles you from your slumber, and use this as your chance to exact revenge. Perhaps it’s your sister’s fiancé, Beau. Sure, he didn’t mean to hit you in the face with that soccer ball. But he did, and instead of apologizing, he just said, “C’mon, man, shake it off.” Well, now is your time for revenge. Follow him, take pictures, and live out your fantasy of finally getting one over on him.

Follow him for 90 minutes until you realize you’ve completely lost track of your own gate and boarding time. It doesn’t matter. They delayed your flight again anyway.

Does Snickers Really Satisfy?

You’ve seen the commercials your entire life. But does Snickers actually satisfy? This is your chance to find out.

Purchase one Snickers bar from the newsstand. Eat it slowly while staring at the departure board. Do you feel satisfied? Do you feel like you again? Or do you feel like someone trapped in an airport who just spent quadruple the amount on something you could have gotten for less than a buck at a 7-11?

Appreciate the “Art”

Every major airport now features a piece of modern art that represents something meaningful but usually looks like a bunch of twisted metal and illuminated wires suspended from the ceiling.

Stand beneath the sculpture and really “see it”. What is it trying to tell you? Maybe it’s lines of travel across the globe, or maybe it’s just exposed construction. Who knows. It wasn’t meant to be stared at; it was meant to be passed under while racing to a connecting flight, but now you are. So snap a picture, post it to Instagram with the caption “Living my best life ✈️ #blessed.” You might be smiling, but we know it’s covering up despair, and that’s where the good stuff happens. By the way, why doesn’t Beau follow you? That’s weird. You follow him. That’s just a dick move.

Hopefully, by the time you board your flight, you will no longer be the person who arrived at this airport full of hubris and good cheer. You have been broken down, defeated, and like the Phoenix, you have risen and are grateful to go anywhere and do anything without the sounds of intercoms announcing boarding groups. Maybe you can go to the wedding and speak your mind. You do have an objection. Beau is a dick. You picture yourself saying it and then taking a healthy bite of your Snickers as you exclaim, “This thing really does satisfy!”

Safe travels. If you have finished reading this your flight is now boarding at a different gate.

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