I'm not SLOPPY!

Sloppy Joe Speaks

When you hear the term SLOPPY JOE, what do you think of…. Let me guess. A big guy with stains on his shirt and food in his beard.

Well, guess again. I’m 5’10”. I’m 175 pounds, and I’m a diabetic.

BUT one time at a BBQ I made one FRICKIN’ mistake, and my asshole friends wouldn’t stop giving me shit about it.

That’s not a hamburger?

What do you call that, Joe?

OOH, I know. A SLOPPY JOE! HAHAHA

Then, whenever they came over and I served up hamburgers, they’d say, “WE DON’T WANT THAT! Make us one of your WORLD FAMOUS Sloppy Joes, Joe!”

I guess they told their friends, and then they told their friends. You know, this was before email. So this shit spread. It was like the original Jerky Boys tapes but with meat.

Now, let me admit, YES! I made a mistake. I couldn’t find a spatula, so I was grilling hamburgers with a fork and knife. The meat stuck to the grill when I was trying to pick it up, and a little piece fell off, then another, then another. So I’m like, they won’t notice but then when I was transferring a burger from the grill to the bun, it fell into a bowl of baked beans. So I just scooped it out too and put it all on the bun.

Honestly, I didn’t think anything of it. It’s Burger meat on a bun with ketchup. But not my friends. No, this was like I admitted I was in a sexual relationship with an alien. Everything stopped, and they started asking a million questions. Now, I’ve seen these guys eat a LOT of stuff, and all of a sudden they became GOURMANDS.

Every time I told them to shut up, they just kept chanting SLOPPY JOE. SLOPPY JOE!

Now you might think, oh well, it’s kinda funny you’re a bad chef chill out! Here’s the thing: I’m NOT. I just didn’t have a spatula. Turns out my youngest used it for some kind of planetary science project.

So honestly? It’s HIS FAULT, but whenever I bring it up, he says, " Dad, stop. You are giving me the “Ick”. Whatever, if the truth is ick, then so be it.

Now it’s MY WHOLE PERSONALITY for the rest of human history. I have a wife. I have hobbies. I have a JOB. I’m an architect. I designed the Marriott in Phoenix. Check out the YELP REVIEWS!

Do you know how hard it is to pitch a design when a client asks, “Is it true? Are you the Sloppy Joe guy?”

What am I supposed to say? Yes, I’m the grossest motherfucker in the game.

I’ll tell you this: no one wants to give the Sloppy Joe guy money.

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Stop making Sloppy Joes.

Every time you make one, you are the problem.You are keeping this dumb bit going. Just stop.

How about this, Make some pasta and meatballs and throw it on a bun! That’s fun right. Call it a MESSY TONY.

THATS WAY MORE FUN than a sloppy Joe

And I know what you’re going to say. “But Joe, it’s a classic.” A classic. You know what else is a classic? Polio. Things can be classics and also be over.

This isn’t fun for me. It’s not funny. Every school cafeteria, there I am. There’s my name. On a laminated sign next to the tater tots. I didn’t consent to any of this. Nobody called me. Nobody asked. They just started making the sandwich and slapping my name on it like I was some kind of brand,which I am NOT. I am a PERSON.

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From this day forward I’m not Sloppy Joe I’m Regular Joseph.

That’s it.

My wife said Boring Joe, but that’s her sense of humor. She loves those roasts on Netflix. Personally, I think they’re too mean. I don’t think Tom Brady is a bad guy at all. Honestly, they’re just jealous.

But I digress.

From now on, if you make a hamburger, call it a Regular Joseph. It’s fun, right? I figure if we start calling burgers Josephs, then in about 15 years it’ll even out.

Who’s with me? Sign my petition below.

— Joseph

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