Kias Don't Exist and 9 Other Lesser Known Conspiracy Theories
Read this quick before the Deep State deletes this post.
Faking the Moon Landing.
9/11 was an inside Job.
Paul McCartney is Dead.
We’ve all heard those popular conspiracies. You know, the ones that are just crazy enough to make you think Conspiracy Theorists are just “nut jobs” but maybe that was the POINT! Those Conspiracy Theories were were a front to keep us from knowing the real truth. The Conspiracy Theories no one wants you to believe or even hear, until NOW!
HOCKEY IS A MIND CONTROL EXPERIMENT
Ever talk to hockey fan? They love it. Why? Because they were programmed too. The bright lights, cold air, nonstop horn blasts. That’s not a sport—that’s a behavioral conditioning lab built on Canadian Tech to make us AMERICANS blindly trust this North American WAR MACHINE.
KIAS AREN’T REAL
Think about it: have you ever actually been inside a Kia? You think you have. But you haven’t. Try to recall the logo—you can’t. Some say they’re projections, like Pokémon Go! but for cars. If someone tells you they drive a KIA…RUN! You are in Danger.
PRINCESS DIANA IS JERSEY MIKE
The pressure, the paparazzi, the monarchy. Princess Di faked her death and resurfaced in New Jersey under the name “Mike.” Why? Because all she ever really wanted was to make fresh submarine sandwiches for the masses. Something the Queen never understood. Cold cuts gave her peace. Provolone gave her freedom. If you want a special treat ask for it “Di’s Way” (it’s a scoop of Bread Pudding)
SWEATPANTS SECRETE A TOXIC INTO YOUR BLOODSTREAM
Every pair of Sweatpants contain a synthetic fabric called Comfynol, which contains trace amounts of tryptophan. The minute Comfynol touches your skin, your body starts going into statis. You don’t want to lie down—you’re being chemically persuaded too.
IMPOSSIBLE BURGERS ARE MEAT
Ever seen a soybean bleed? Didn’t think. Don’t believe the BS. The whole “plant-based” stuff? Marketing. They just needed a way to get vegetarians back in the game without all the guilt. That’s why it tastes just like a burger—because it is
OLIVE BREADSTICKS ARE SENTIENT SELF BREEDING ORGANISMS
UNLIMITED! How can they afford that?! They can’t. They don’t bring you more breadsticks. They grow them. A Government experiment gone wrong to help wounded soldiers, now is feeding your belly. So next time you eat a breadstick thank the proud members of the armed forces.
YOU CAN TIME TRAVEL (ONLY IF YOU DO THIS EXACTLY)
TIME TRAVEL IS REAL! Robert Zemeckis wasn’t making a movie. He was issuing instructions. If you want to attempt Time Travel, you have to watch an original VHS copy of Back to the Future in your car while going exactly 88 MPH and you have to hit 88 MPH at exactly at 10:04 PM. (note: you can’t be going 88 mph at 10:04). Precision is everything. This is where people screw it up. That’s why there have been “a lot of accidents.” But some have succeeded. You just don’t hear from them because—they’re gone or trapped in a time where they don’t have VHS cassettes. And yes, this is why there are only, like, six Back to the Future VHS tapes left on eBay. The rest are in TIME! (oh and the VHS only works once).
I’ll give you a second you pick up the bits of your mind, since I assume it has been BLOWN! Sheeple! You now know the truth, what comes next is up to you.
This week Dark Web covers DATING
Have you listened to Unspooled lately we’ve done some bangers Being John Malkovich, 40 Year Old Virgin, and Pretty Woman. Plus we were nominated for a WEBBY, vote for us here HERE - PLEASE.
