Laser Tag Rules We Regretfully Had to Put in Writing

A DEFINITIVE GUIDE TO PROPER BEHAVIOR IN THE LASER TAG ARENA

Due to an alarming number of "misunderstandings", "legal incidents" and one arrest we have found it necessary to explicitly state the following rules.

1. You May Not Establish a Totalitarian Regime

• Under no circumstances are you allowed to round up weaker players and force them into a laser tag dictatorship. This includes, but is not limited to, forced labor camps, mandatory uniforms, and propaganda posters featuring your face.

2. Starting a Fire, Even as a Distraction, Is Frowned Upon

• Yes, we understand the tactical advantage of creating a diversion. No, we do not condone setting anything ablaze to accomplish this.

3. Your Genitals Must Be Stowed at All Times

• This is non-negotiable.

4. Todd Is a Paid Employee, and You Will Respect Him

• Todd is not a “NARC” nor is his mother a “Sex Worker” who is paid in Food . Todd is simply an employee of Laser Park. Verbal abuse, conspiracy theories, and "Todd Hunts" will no longer be tolerated and you will subject to ejection.

5. You May Not Defecate in the Arena—The Restrooms Are Clearly Labeled

• No further explanation.

6. Even Though We Are on a Fictional Alien Planet, There Are Rules!

• Just because the walls have neon hieroglyphics and we pretend this is an intergalactic war zone doesn’t mean you sacrifice other players to honor your God.

7. Strapping a Baby to Your Chest Is Dangerous and Illegal

• We felt like this rule was covered when we explicitly stated “NO HUMAN SHIELDS” apparently we weren’t, “Please refrain from attaching infants to yourself as battle armor”. CPS will be notified.

8. No Fingerblasting, Fingerbanging, Hand Play, or Digital Stimulation of Any Kind

This is a family-friendly establishment. Your hands should only be used for gripping a blaster, not engaging in an intimate moment with yourself or others. (Also see Rule 3).

9. You May Not Release Any Sort of Animal Wild or Otherwise into the arena

• You might have forgotten but we are also a pizza parlor (and “ghost kitchen”) and releasing a rat or a “junkyard” dog in our place of business subjects us to numerous health code violations.

10. Please Stop Referring to LASER ZONE as a great place for "Murder Suey" on Instagram

• Not only does this get your posts banned, but it makes us sound like a den of ill repute. We are a family friendly game center. We rely entirely on word-of-mouth advertising, so please stop scaring away potential customers.

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