My Blue Collar Comedy Audition

This is not a Bit

I recently went through my computer and found a ton of old documents, pitches, scripts, sketches, and motivational JPEGs. Then I stumbled upon my notes for my Blue Collar Comedy Audition.

This is a bit; they didn’t need people to be in the Blue Collar Comedy Show?

They did. They needed people to do celebrity impressions and be featured cast members to round out sketches. They hired three people and at the end of the 42 episodes produced, they each were in about 16 episodes each.

So, the assignment for this audition was to do a bunch of celebrity impressions (which I’m not good at). I won’t post all my bits for fear that this is already self-indulgent, but here are a few with Pictures of the celebs in 2004.

PAUL’S BLUE COLLAR COMEDY AUDITION (MARCH 12th, 2004)

• Made no edits to the material

Owen Wilson

P: This is Owen Wilson at a restaurant responding to a waiter after being asked how his meal is.

O: Wow! I’m going to be talking about this steak for weeks. It’s really fantastic. Of course, I did find it odd that you it placed the au poivre sauce on the side. It kinda belittles the steak, don’t you think. It’s au poivre for a reason, it’s not steak or poivre. Please bear in mind it’s delicious, I don’t mean to complain, I just kinda felt we had a connection, I know it’s sounds kinda corny but you know how I really felt.

Vin Diesel

P: This Vin Diesel talking about his newest film on HBO’s First Look Specials.

V: Right Now, I’m currently working on an extreme updated version of Henry the V, called Henry VVV. The director and I decided Henry the V is too square. The original play is way too British. This is not going to be your daddy’s Shakespeare. For example, the opening starts on a cargo plane that is running out of fuel. I think to myself, “Once More unto the breach, dear friends.” Then we cut to a dead guy's face, then I grab a parachute and a snowboard, and I look in the camera and say, “ Me thinkest the time is Nye!” I jump out of the plane, and I find out that instead of a parachute, someone put a tiger in my pack, and we wrestle as we snowboard down the mountain. It’s a classic interpretation.

Jeff Goldblum (Talking to Trick or Treaters)

Trick or Treat…Ooh…mmm…that’s um a very peculiar, peculiar, request in..in uh every way, It’s very…uh…hahahaha lofty. The possibilities are uh endless uh.. whether or not to choose a Trick or a uh… please hear me out here or to to Treat. Hmm.A uh …good neigborbor would would uh probably give a little of both hahaha am I right. Right. Wait kids, were are you going. Ooh just left me alone, like well, I guess more candy for Me. Thank you. Thank you.

Steve Kmetko

P: Entertainment news is getting bigger and bigger, and I think entertainment and real news will eventually converge, so here’s this E! Resident newsman Steve Kmetko reporting the real news.

S: Hello All, I’m Steve Kmetko. Let’s see what is happening today. In Washington, Republican Bad Boy James Traficant was sentenced to Jail. Uh, Oh, naughty, naughty. A House Representative says that Traficant should stop his lying and face his charges like a man. Meow! Do I hear a catfight brewing? Okay, enough of that bad news. Check out this commercial for Aquafina water with a real kick!

Finally, this one was penciled in and never finished

Nick Nolte

All right, Goddamit, this friggin Hulk movie got me all twisted and turned upside down. I didn’t even know I was acting with CGI. I get on set, but no one is there. I thought I was having a bad trip…. You don’t even know

By the way, we launch THE DARK WEB - SIGN UP NOW; it’s free and on YOUTUBE