Never Trust a Man Who Says Any of These Phrases…
From Time-Traveling Pirates to Knife Guys: Know the Signs
You should never trust someone who says, “In all Honesty” or “I’m not saying…” Those are easy enough to spot, but a new, more insidious type of person has emerged. Watch out for anyone who says:
“Let’s buy a Timeshare”
While it appears they want a commitment, chances are this person is just a timeshare realtor who has lured you into a relationship only to sell you obstructed view beachfront property that you will grow to resent as quickly as you sign the contract..
“I want to pay for this, but all I have are Doubloons.”
While the multiverse has gained popularity lately, time travelers have been entering our timeline for centuries—especially Spanish pirates. Now, dating a time-traveling pirate isn’t wrong exactly, but keep in mind: their possessiveness over treasure does not set a good precedent for emotional availability
“Hide this Knife for Me.”
Chances are, “this knife” was used in a heinous crime, and the fact that they haven’t told you about who they might have killed or asked you to do it with them is a giant blood-soaked red flag.
If after a trip to the cinema to see A MINECRAFT MOVIE, your date says,
“Despite my most sincere efforts to approach the experience with an open mind and a spirit of intellectual curiosity, I found myself profoundly underwhelmed—an ennui so vast it bordered on existential. Worse still, I fear that this encounter has left an indelible mark upon my psyche, subtly but irrevocably diminishing my capacity for future joy, curiosity, or wonder. I am, in some small yet measurable way, a poorer, sadder creature for having endured it.”
You’re probably dating a frustrated college professor whose 890-page manuscript on the dining habits of the Roman Empire has been rejected by five different publishers, who have described it in terms like, “merely uninteresting” and “an arid wasteland of the soul.”
“Whoops My Asshole is Talking French Again.”
While it might be a funny way to describe “passing gas”, you will grow tired of it on its 10th delivery. Make haste and leave the relationship immediately.
“I’m telling my Mommy on You.”
It should always be, “I’m telling Mommy on ‘US” remember you are a couple.
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