Not the Bees...(Keeper?)

Statham, Reality TV and Ken!

These are your 3 Things for the week of Jan 8th.

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THING 1: Statham’s Bees

Jason Statham’s new movie The Beekeeper comes out this weekend. He plays a former assassin turned Beekeeper who is out to avenge an elderly woman’s suicide after she falls prey to an internet phishing scam. (Yes, that’s the real plot!)

Here are some catchphrases I’d love to hear Statham say in this movie:

• “BZZ, BZZ, Brutha”

• “If we’re going to do this, let me get my YELLOWJACKET.”

• “Start talking, or I’m going to shoot you so full of holes you’re going to look like a damn Honeycomb.”

• “That’s going to sting.” (ALT) “I’m sending you to Sting-apore”

• “I work in service of the Queen….Bee.”

• “I don’t have a gun. I use pistils”

• “HIVE FIVE!”

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THING 2: Aussies Rule

I’m convinced Australia makes the best reality TV. We all know their Survivor is better; Season 10: Heroes and Villians is a must-watch.

But I want to talk about my new favorite show, Traitors: Australia. If you don’t know Traitors, it’s basically Mafia (or Werewolf) mixed with Survivor, and it’s fantastic. I personally think the American version is the worst; its saving grace is that it’s full of Bravo stars. For a while, I thought the UK version might be the best until I stumbled into the Australian edition. (By the way, all of these are available on Peacock.)

Australians are RUTHLESS. They play hard and seemingly none of them is trying to make a career out of being a reality show star. After the season 2 finale, I couldn’t find over 80% of the cast on social media, not even the Host! They don’t do rounds of press after the finale or even have a recap show. These are just people who want money! My breath has been taken away at the manipulation of the older players, the cavalier nature of the villains, and the downright greediness of every single person on the show, but the best part is they are DUMB!

The first two seasons, the cast has been made up of some of the most manipulative and dumb players of all time. Since the game isn’t based on strength or knowledge, everyone starts off on the same foot. It’s all about bullshitting and tricking each other and using common sense, and many of them seem to have none of that. It's more sociopathic behavior than true cunning, and that makes for fascinating TV.

Plus decorum is out the window; a running bit of season two was when any player was kicked off, they would insult the remaining players, “You’re a bunch of dummies.” Season 2 had the most fulfilling finale I’ve watched in years. I was screaming at my TV multiple times, it’s the closest feeling to watching a live sports game while watching reality TV.

Here’s a taste of my favorite moment from Ep 1 of the UK version (I would use an Australian clip, but frankly, they are way harder to find cause they don’t care about social media.)

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THING 3: I’m Just a Ben

My oldest son is a sports kid. He plays basketball, football, soccer, pickleball, tennis, and I’m sure I’m forgetting 3 other games/practices we take him to each week. He’s obsessed with anything that can be gamified and really seems to have an utter disdain for anything “artistic.” He once made fun of me because I liked “Movies.” MOVIES! He shrugged off an entire form of entertainment with such disdain like he had a dad whose hobby was painting Civil War miniatures.

So it’s been quite a surprise that he has taken up singing. Nonstop singing. But only one song, “I’m Just Ken!” This is the same kid who, three weeks ago, almost cried when we asked him to take a piano class, which he did and then vowed afterward never to return. But now he’s singing all the time, and frankly, he’s not very good. Don’t get me wrong, I love everything my child does, but I just have to be honest here. Like me, he shares this inability to hit very high notes, yet he refuses ever to use a lower register.

He also uses what can musically be described as a “warble” where he sounds like he’s gargling each and every note. Since it’s nonstop, everyone in our house is basically in cringe mode, like dogs who can't get away from a trainer who constantly blows into one of the high-pitched dog whistles. I’ve tried to move him to other songs, but the best we can get is his version of a parody song, which really means he swaps out “Ken” for “Ben”, “I’m just Ben.” Which oddly is more grating.

So we are in a family dilemma: he loves singing, he doesn’t want to take singing lessons, and he only knows one song. So the question I ask you is, how do I not shut down my child’s desire to sing but also not lose my mind? Any ideas….

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Those were your three things for the week of January 6, 2024.