Sea Animals I Could Definitely Beat Up (Part One)

Part of new series of Improvised Substacks based on readers suggested titles*

Whenever I find myself swimming in the Ocean, I can’t help but think, “Oh my God, I’m surrounded by a bunch of fricking nerds.” I’m not talking about the other people swimming alongside me. I’m talking about the little creatures in the Ocean. Those super nerdy and dorky jerks that think they are so cool because they can breathe underwater.

So, without further ado, here’s a list of Sea Animals I can definitely beat up.

Sea Cucumber

You GOT to be kidding me. This little tube sock full of Jell-O thinks he can step to me? NAH! Not going to happen, Son.

Blobfish

Talk to me after you hit the gym, my friend. The only way you would be a threat to me is if I was some sort of Sea Oreo.

Glass Squid

I can’t wait to see the surprised look on your face when I ram my fist into your transparent stomach.

Sea Angel

OOH, aren’t you precious? Then I put you choke hold. See you in Hell.

Dumbo Octopus

More like DUMB Octopus.

Salp

Hey Salp, come here so I can SLAP that dumb look off your face.

Feather Star

I’m sorry, are you a sea creature or a piece of Al Dente pasta? Ooooh, it looks like I just cooked you, and I can’t to metaphorically eat you with some nice whale Meat Balls.

Pygmy Seahorse

Let's go for a ride…. to the OCEAN EMERGENCY ROOM.

Lanternfish

This motherfucker! NOPE! NOPE! NOPE!

*This substack was not my idea. Let me explain: I realized the most challenging part of a Substack is figuring out what to write about. So, I’m outsourcing it for you! Welcome to a new feature of my Substack, where I ask people for Title Suggestions for Substacks in my Chat, and then I write them. It’s a bit like improv but with Grammar errors. Thanks to Substack User Anna Maurya for the Title

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