A LEAKED MEMO TO UNIVERSAL ABOUT JURASSIC REBIRTH
Snickers calls out Universal about making them take blame for the Jurassic Park Dinosaur Massacre.
My friend at Universal sent this to me. Snickers freaked out about the new Jurassic Park movie.
FROM: Anton Vincent, CEO, Mars Wrigley
TO: Universal Pictures Legal Affairs / Amblin Partners / Gareth Edwards
CC: Steven Spielberg, Executive Producer
RE: Unauthorized and defamatory depiction of SNICKERS® in Jurassic World: Rebirth
To the Creative and Corporate Parties Responsible,
Let me open by saying: We at Mars Wrigley believe in storytelling. We believe in bold ideas. We even believe in dinosaurs eating people—when it’s earned.
But what we do not support is reckless snack scapegoating.
In the opening scene of Jurassic World: Rebirth, a Mars Wrigley product—an iconic, satisfying, globally loved Snickers bar—is used as the inciting incident for a mass-casualty event.
A scientist, eating a Snickers mid-genetic hybridization, drops the wrapper. Said wrapper is then sucked into an exposed floor vent—somehow triggering a complete facility lockdown failure, resulting in the release of multiple unstable dinosaur hybrids and the deaths of at least 17 employees (including, notably, the Snickers consumer himself).
Let’s be clear:
This depiction is factually implausible, ethically questionable, and brand-destructive.
We conducted a full internal analysis using our Packaging Incident Modeling Division (PIMD). Their findings were unequivocal:
“A Snickers wrapper—non-conductive, lightweight, and foil-lined—could not, under any circumstances, short-circuit a climate-controlled genetic security system unless said system was already catastrophically mismanaged.”
This is not Final Destination, the last time we checked, Jurassic Park wasn’t built on Rube Goldberg plot devices. We expected more. Dare I say, we expected better of you, Mr. Spielberg.
Need we remind you of our Global Product Placement Guidelines (Appendix F, Subsection 4.3.1)
Snickers may not be depicted as:
A catalyst for mass death or technological collapse
A distraction in high-stakes ethical science
A tool for bribing guards, children, or wild animals
This is not a creative quibble. This is a legal infraction.
You need only look at our award-winning placement in The Martian, where Snickers symbolized humor, resourcefulness, and human perseverance.
Compare that to Rebirth, where it’s portrayed as the butterfly that flaps its nougat wings and causes a security holocaust.
This is unacceptable!
We are formally requesting:
Scene removal or modification in all future digital, physical, and airline editions of the film.
A formal apology signed by Gareth Edwards and Steven Spielberg to the employees of Mars Wrigley, as well as any disillusioned fans.
Inclusion of restorative Snickers representation in any sequel or spin-off.
Examples of such placements may include:
A tranquilizer gun that fires Snickers minis.
Mahershala Ali uses a Snickers bar, NOT a flare, to lure some mutated dinosaur into a containment cell.
A character eating a Snickers and getting a boost of energy that helps them outrun, outwit, or outmaneuver said mutated dinosaur.
We hope to resolve this amicably and without delay. But we are prepared to explore additional channels of correction—creative, commercial, and legal.
Yours,
Anton Vincent
Chief Executive Officer
Mars Wrigley, Inc.
PAUL IS IN SEATTLE, PORTLAND and VANCOUVER THIS WEEK!
Join Paul plus Andrew Dismukes (SNL), Edi Patterson (Righteous Gemstones), Rob Huebel (Children's Hospital), Carl Tart (Grand Crew), Seth Morris (Kroll Show, Curb), Lily Sullivan (Comedy Bang Bang), Chad Carter, and Owen Burke for a night of Improv!
July 9th, Seattle, 8 PM (We released our comps, great Orch avail)
July 10th, Portland - EARLY SHOW 7:30 PM - SOLD OUT
July 10th, Portland - LATE SHOW 9:45 PM
July 12th, Vancouver with HDTGM (Only a handful of tickets are left)
Bullet with nougat wings