Sundance Movies That Don't Exist
My five favorite films I won't be able to see at Sundance. Plus Sexy Trek, & The Movie Goers Dilemma.
I’ll be honest: this week was rough; I’ve been doing the final pass on my book and have been completely underwater, just until all hours of the early dawn, making sure I got the book the way I wanted. Pressing send on that email to my publisher was an immediate weight off my shoulders, and then this existential dread set in; what if I missed something, some connection, a turn of phrase, a special thanks, and before I could get too lost in that I realized, “Oh Crap, I gotta write 3 Things!”
Here are your 3 THINGS for the week of Jan 19th, 2024
THING 1: BEST FILMS AT SUNDANCE 2024
Here are films I want to see at Sundance but can’t because they don’t exist.
The Pot: Alfred Molina falls in love with a tea kettle only to find it’s also his wife’s lover.
VIC: Willem Dafoe is Vic, and Vic just quit smoking, and that’s all you need to know.
Dancing Bugs: Emma Watson is Clare Flemming, the 1st human to be admitted into a flea circus.
SEXT: Two of the most attractive people from Australia that you’ve never seen before playing two friends from Queens, NY, who love to fuck and perform very long monologues about how they can’t fall in love.
DREAMFINDER: Resenting Figment for his hedonistic lifestyle and undeniable talent, the highly religious DreamFriender (Adam Driver) is gradually consumed by his jealousy and becomes obsessed with Figment’s downfall.
THING 2: SEXY TREK
I love photography and Steve Schapiro, who has taken some fantastic photos in his career, just iconic, jaw-dropping stuff, but I guess he wasn’t too familiar with Star Trek because his photo shoot with them was way too sexy.
THING 3: Walk Out
When I was a kid, a family friend deliberated whether he should see Uncle Buck. I piped up and said, “It’s great.” He looked at me with such disdain and replied, “Eh, what do you know? You like every movie!”
He was right. I did. I wasn’t even upset by criticism; I just was confused; how could you not like a movie? Is that possible? I was 12 years old, and until then, I never disliked any movie or TV show I saw.
This is why when I saw LAST ACTION HERO, the classic Arnold Schwarzenegger bomb (and now cult classic?), I was confused. What was happening? I never felt this before. The movie had played for about 30 minutes, and I did NOT like it. I wanted to, but something wasn’t right. I assumed it was me, so I moved my seat. Maybe I was too close, or perhaps I just needed to give the movie space. So, I shifted back a few aisles. Nope, the movie didn’t get any better.
I had heard of walking out of a movie, but not only had I never done it, but I’d never seen it done. Did it even happen? I was about to see. I stood up, and instead of making a beeline to the exit, I just meandered up the aisle, looking around like I was trying not to get caught shoplifting. When I got to the theater door. I felt terrible like I was walking out on a relationship. I froze and turned back around, facing the screen. Hoping, I’d see one line or moment that would erase the taste of the previous 45 mins. It didn’t, I left.
I walked out of that theater and initially felt good, I had saved some time by not wasting it on something that was not enjoying but then I felt regret. Maybe it go better. What else happened in the movie? How does it end? I couldn’t just race home and type in, “WHAT DOES LAST ACTION HERO ENDING MEAN?” as you can oddly do with every movie now (Case in Point Ferrari). I never saw the end of Last Action Hero until this week, when I recorded an upcoming episode of Blank Check with Griffin and David, and guess what? It was GREAT!
Did I make a mistake? Maybe I wasn’t ready for it, did I judge it too early. To this day, I refuse not to finish a movie; it’s pathological. A month might go back before I do, but I finally make my way back to make sure I didn’t miss anything.
If Yes, what movie? I’ll start a thing in the chat.
My book, Joyful Recollections of Trauma, is available for Pre-Order wherever books are sold. Buying it now really helps, and I’ll make it worthwhile. Just save your receipt. More details will come during the last week of January. Stay Tuned.
Uncle Buck really IS great!
My mom took us kids to go see Drop Dead Fred in the theater and we were very young. She marched us out of the theater because she realized at some point it wasn't actually kids movie. That is the only movie I have ever walked out on. Team Fred.