The Survivalist, The Spy and Shai-Hulud

This week is a big one…

THING 1: SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST

For the last 2O years I’ve been going to Telluride Colorado to do small comedy festival fundraiser for the Sheridan Opera House with a bunch of friends. It’s a week of fun shows and alot of skiing. Growing up, I wasn’t a skier, my Mom and her husband loved to ski but I often opted to wait in the Ski Lodge reading a book and listening to my Walkman while they hit the slopes. It was always something I regretted as I got older as it seemed like not only did everyone know how to ski but they loved it. I missed out on multiple ski trips in High School and even in College. So when I started coming to Telluride, I immediately saw a chance to rectify that. I was going to learn to ski but I was broke! So instead of taking lessons, I just white knuckled it as I tried to keep up with my friends who all were very good at skiing while my my heart beat faster than the BMP of Outkast’s, “Hey Ya!” and I fell a lot.

Years later, I finally took a lesson in Telluride and I instantly regretted that I didn’t spent this $150 dollars way sooner. Finally I felt comfortable on skis and while not attempting black diamonds, I wasn’t falling. Skiing was fun.

Recently I’ve come to this festival with the whole family and as soon as my kids were old enough I got them into lessons. (Which we call Ski Camp because Ski School felt too academic for them.) This is the 3rd year they’ve been skiing and my oldest is now trying to take the torch from Warren Miller and loves doing “stunts” which I’m happy to record from a distance. This past Saturday he veered off trail to find some more “jumps” and immediately wiped out. Which isn’t a big deal as my kids who while skiing are seemingly indestructible. They pop up from falls screaming WIPEOUT! with even more energy than when they awake on Christmas Morning. However, in this wipeout his ski popped off. That will be a problem. 

While my kids have mastered skiing the simple things like getting into ski clothes, putting on boots and slipping into skis is far more elusive. One of the benefits of living in a warmer climate is that I don’t ever have to get my kids ready for winter weather. Hell, I can’t even get my kids to wear pants! They are in shorts about 357 of the 365 days of the year. So having them wear thermals, ski pants, boots, gloves and hats is truly shocking to them. Putting them in ski gear feels like the equivalent of dressing a REAL DOLL mixed with Harpo Marx. First of they go limp and then minute you turn your head, they immediately take off whatever you have put on them. Combine that with high altitude of Colorado and after dressing them both I feel like I’ve run a marathon and I haven’t even left the house. 

Knowing that my son will have no conception on how to put back on his ski, I immediately head off the trail to help him. I see my son lying in the ground looking at his ski the way a person might look at a severed limb after an accident, he bellows, “HELP ME! I can’t do it.” So I popped off my ski, knowing I’m going to have to get down and essentially maneuver his boot into his ski binding like forcing a high heel onto a mannequin’s foot. But as soon as I pop off my ski and stand on the snow I drop 4 feet. We are apparently in a snow drift and now the snow is now up to my waist.

SHIT!

I have a moment of panic as I know I’m in trouble, but I know it will be worse if he drops four feet too because it will be up to his eyes. So I work quickly trying to help him take weight off his legs to put the least amount of pressure on the snow. He leans on my back aligning his bottom directly at my face. As I wrestle with his foot, he makes it that much harder by unintentionally farting. So now I’m trapped and subjected to kid’s high altitude cheese farts, it’s torture. But I survive. I get his boot locked back into his bindings and he takes off, I’m a hero! I saved the day. Then I realized. Wait I’m still stuck.

I’ve never been stuck waist deep in anything so I don’t really have a plan. I’m not going sink deeper so that’s good but as I try to boost myself up I only manage to keep falling forward making no movement whatsoever. Each attempt to move closer to the trail makes me look like I’m a character glitching in a videogame just being held back by an unnatural force.

Now, while I’m technically “off trail”, I’m am also to the left of the bunny slope and directly under the ski lift. People surround me but I’m also about 50 feet away from them and as I struggle I’m hearing the stifled laughs of the riders on the chair lift above me.

No I have to go to plan B, what if I crawl? I gingerly lift my body out of the hole. I spread my hands out wide and wiggle onto the snow. I get my body free and now I’m laying face down on the snow trying to make my way to solid land. The trail seems so far away. The high altitude is kicking in and I’m breathing hard because I’m not only snaking my own weight across the ground but I’m fifty pounds heavier with my helmet, boots, skis and my poles.

I’m swimming across this cold cement and since I’m moving so gingerly as to not fall deeper into the snow so I’m barely making any real movement. If there was no snow I could walk this distance in 15 large steps but now it feels like I’m miles away from humanity. I decide I need to free myself of skis and poles by throwing them in front of me like a desperate skier who has utterly given up.

I hear in the distance the voice of a young girl, “Is that man stuck?” I want to yell back “SHUT UP!” but I don’t.

I finally get to place where I feel secure I gingerly test out the ground, it feels solid. I rise to standing and immediately put my full weight on the snow and this time fall DEEPER and faceplant. GODDAMNIT!

I have to continue the crawl. I go back on all fours and finally reach the edge and then I am faced with another obstacle a 3 foot mountain created by the snow plow. I’ve learned my lesson, I cant’ climb it for fear of falling in, so I must once again slither to it’s top and slide down. I throw my skis over the top yelling “FORE”, because I didn’t know if there was a proper ski term to use when throwing random objects onto the bunny hill. Thankfully it didn’t hurt anyone. I get to the top of the small mountain and roll down the opposite side to safety and back on the trail. I have survived. A ski instructor chuckles as he asks, “need some help big fella” I want to explain, I don’t need help, I’m the hero. I just saved my kid. But instead I see fingers pointing at me as an example of what not to do when skiing. I try to regain my composure. I gather my skis and try to slip my foot into the binding but lose my balance and I promptly fall over. I hate skiing.

THING 2: 007 is Bad at His Job

James Bond is a terrible spy. I was recently rewatching FOR YOUR EYES ONLY and before Carly Simon sings the opening song. He makes four big mistakes.

#1 His Watch - First of all this is LOUD! This Casio/Brother P Touch watch interrupts his afternoon delight and prints out a very long text message which isn’t coded at all, it’s just a straight up spy message that immediately reveals his identity, and who he works for. Plus it looks like it’s made of credit card material. Imagine trying to dispose of that?

#2 Innuendo, while not technically spycraft this is one area where Bond is normally very strong but in this scene the double entendre is very weak. When he’s forced to leave his sex chateau, his love interests asks, “Why” and he says “Something’s Come Up”, a boner joke, which would be a great response to his boss if they asked him to come to work and he refuses on the grounds that “something has come up (i.e. his boner) and decides to have sex instead. But the way he says it in this scene leads me to believe his boss calling him to work makes him horny?

What would be a better Bond response?

#3 Too Trusting, the woman he’s having sex with is not only a spy but has lured him to a VERY remote location which is reminiscent of Charlin Chaplin’s Gold Rush house with a Fuck Pad vibe. Also why does James Bond need to get away, no one knows him and everytime he does they easily find him. I’d just say stay local, save yourself the hassle. Also how did they get to this place? There are no vehicles outside? Did he parachute in to a fuck pad and if they did, why? You’d have to bring a ridiculous amount of supplies since you’d have to plan to be there for quite some time.

#4 Too Obvious, after leaving his sex cabin Bond is chased by a gang of Russian spies on skis, which are called by his Lover/Russian spy. Why she didn’t kill him when she was alone with him or when they parachuted in is beyond me. But truly my biggest question is that if she had a band of bad guys waiting to kill him why wouldn’t they just attack the cabin. Waiting for him to leave or even expecting him to leave seems like bad planning or just coincidence but that’s on the KGB not Bond. Back to 007 I want to drill into how Bond escapes, he’s first of all Bond is wearing a yellow jumpsuit, which is aggressively obvious in the snow capped mountains, he makes no attempt to blend in. He doesn’t seem to have a gun only a flare Ski Pole. Why no Gun James? He then escapes the Russians, by parachuting off a cliff. A good plan but it also leaves him completely vunerable to sniping as the Russian Men don’t also jump off the cliff (stupid) and to make matters worse he activates a parachute with the UNION JACK on it.

Which begs the question where is he going to land and how will he explain this very British Parachute to an Russian he runs into who inevitably will see him from milers away as he reaches the ground.

Bond is a very bad spy.

THING 3: Elmo likes Shai Hulud

Are you ready for Dune 2? Have you heard of the big casting change?

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What’s Up

This week in LA, I’ll be performing at LARGO on Wednesday and Friday Night. Come see me on Wednesday with Ike Barinholtz & Friends and then with Dinosaur on Friday with some amazing special guests.

Amy & I talked about AMERICAN BEAUTY on UNSPOOLED

Paul’s Secret Scrapbook: The VIP Section for everyone who Pre-Ordered Joyful Recollections of Trauma is now OPEN with some new videos and pictures, and my 1st batch of Postcards is being mailed. There is still time to sign up (NOTE: Postcards are limited to the 1st 3000 who register).

HOW DID THIS GET MADE? UK/Ireland Tour - Limited Seats are Avail for the Tour at all Locations

I’m doing a Virtual Live Signing on 5/22