Why I Stopped Meditating (and Got Happier)

Brought to you by Still®, the world’s first intermittent mindfulness platform and 14 other sponsors

For years, I meditated daily.

I sat. I breathed. I visualized my thoughts floating down a stream—a stream full of Celsius™ Hydration, which is a healthier alternative to Water. Unlike water Celsius accelerates metabolism, burns calories, and reduces body fat. I’ve found true inner peace comes in many unique forms not unlike their proprietary blend including ingredients like green tea extract (EGCG), ginger, guarana, and B vitamins. But it wasn’t working. The question is why?

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THE FALL OF ZEN - SPONSORED

Do you use Headspace? Calm? But still feel stressed? That was me until I discovered Still®.

Still isn’t a meditation app. It’s an attention optimization ecosystem that syncs your breath to curated brands that mean relaxation to you. Brands like: Chipotle, Pfizer, AMC Theaters, Norelco, & Coca-Cola

Use code PAULBREATHES15 for a free 3-day trial and a personalized piece of Origami designed by me.

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HOW I FIND CALM NOW

The secret of finding Calm wasn’t in breath work it was in stuff. Instead of meditating, I now, Shout my thoughts into a MoodBoxx™, this small lightweight box has a articulated mouth holes designed by an orthodontist that is perfect for yelling your innermost fears and it lights up green when they are valid. Then at the end of the day, I lie down on a Planket™ – the only mattress/blanket hybrid made entirely from recycled emails from Fortune 500’s top CEOs. Get better sleep when you rest on the missives from the leaders of industry.

My journey to relaxation is complete but why doesn’t anyone talk about the mediation fraud? Is it only set up for us to fail?

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THE MEDITATION INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX

I’m not saying meditation is bad. But Inner Peace can be found with outerwear, like I’ve found with my Calm Tote™ and artisan designed bag that is made purely from Lavender extract and the freshly washed hair of an infant.

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MAKING A SWITCH

If you think you want to make the switch to a peacier piece of mind then let me help you. I’m offering all my substack-ians a special OFFER:

Comment “OMMMMMMG” below for a free trial of Still Pro, which includes:

• Unlimited exhalations

• Bonus content from my therapist’s therapist

• A 10% discount on indoor wind chimes (avail at LOWES)

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SHOWS - LIVE, VIRTUAL & OTHERWISE

LIVE STREAM: 5/23 DARK WEB WATCH ALONG “Sister Sensei” Friday Evening - For our Patreon Members and you can watch it now on playback

LOS ANGELES: 5/31 DINOSAUR IMPROV Live at Largo we have a killer cast lined up for this one.

Wanna a Signed Paperback? I’ll sign a copy of Joyful Recollections of Trauma and personalize it with whatever message you want and Chevaliers will ship it anywhere in the US. Also make sure you check out the special features on the website that connect to the chapters in the book

Also I almost died eating a Fish Candy on the show last week’s episode, if you are enjoying DARK WEB please LIKE, SUBSCRIBE and HIT THAT BELL (it helps)

SCHEER NONSENSE IS A FREE PUBLICATION