YOUR HOROSCOPE
ARIES (March 21 - April 20):
Settle down! Seriously, just walk away from everything and everyone you love. You are a bit too much today.
TAURUS (April 21 - May 21):
If you ever thought, I want to burn this place down. Do it. Start a fire. No one will know it was you.
GEMINI (May 22 - June 21):
Today’s Mars-Saturn union indicates that you will be cursed by a witch, who is mad at a member of your family who did something totally stupid and now she’s taking it out on you! It’s not fair.
CANCER (June 22 - July 23):
This is your lucky day! A Gummi Bear will come to life and romance you in a very sexual way.
LEO (July 24 - Aug. 23):
Make this the day when you look at what’s been worrying you and start buying a bunch of things you don’t need until you forget about those things and then start stressing about how you are going to pay off your new credit card bill.
VIRGO (Aug. 24 - Sept. 23):
Because today’s Mars-Saturn link takes place in your opposite sign, you might find yourself pulled into the most dangerous game, being hunted by other humans for sport. Good luck.
LIBRA (Sept. 24 - Oct. 23):
You may be independent by nature, but today, you will be forced to sing a karaoke duet. Just do it.
SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 22):
Although you may be full of energy and eager to do something exciting today, DON’T!
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21):
Your challenges may seem daunting, but wait till next Wednesday…Oof, it’s bad…I mean, I hate not telling you…Honestly, it’s bumming me out. Anyway, enjoy your now
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 20):
Book a flight to Topeka, Kansas. When you are there go to the nearest Target. More will be revealed soon.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19):
You are going to need a lot of money quickly. I can’t tell you why exactly, but if you give it to me, I’ll pay you back next month with interest.
PISCES (Feb. 20 - Mar. 20):
Mars and Saturn join forces in your sign today, which suggests that if you fart in your car, no one will smell it. So, get to tooting.
IF TODAY IS YOUR BIRTHDAY
Then you are Andy Garcia. Hi, I'm a big fan. While you might want to see one of your 3 Godfathers, you are better off staying Untouchable. Maybe just pet your Mule or go to one of two of your book clubs. But Mamma Mia, whatever you do, don’t be a Hero or take desperate measures; just be a passenger and let the black rain pour down as you think of all the fun things to do in Denver when you are dead, with Jennifer and your Beverly Hills Chihuahua too. Your Lucky Numbers are Oceans 11, 12 and 14
WHAT’S NEW
I’m going on a book Tour for JOYFUL RECOLLECTIONS OF TRAUMA. The tour will be announced on Monday, but I’ll be in Brooklyn, Manhattan, Chicago, Seattle, Portland, and San Fran starting on 5/21/24 ….If you can’t make those, I also have a worldwide signing on 5/22 at Noon EST with a Virtual Q&A.
Back here to say I’m en route to Topeka ✈️
Hi, Aquarius here, what’s your Venmo?